Hard to see the light.

So........Mom....Mom, the most selfless human being many would ever know.   Mom, who lost my Dad earlier this year and has dealt with more CRAP from her kids than any great mother should.....

Mom who didn't want a dog (again).  But....her wild-ass dangerously huge-hearted daughter that is a magnet for misfit lost dogs, had way more pups than she could handle....so she,  (I) intelligently threw Carli on her lap.   And it was Love.   Mom loved her and Carli was happier than I've ever seen.  That consistent unconditional love that only a dog could give made the house warm and full again....

Epic.   I did it, I gave Mama something back.                                Until today.

I am taking care of Carli for mom while she drove to VA...  But this afternoon I can't find Carli.   I call, drive, whistle, search.  Nowhere.  I tell Mom I cannot find her and get a sobbing call.   My heart is sinking lower than imaginable.   

About an hour ago, I find Carli.   Bloody.   Dead.   Hysteria is hard to describe unless you have been there.  The chaotic-self, comprised of a tornado of emotion that is unimaginable and uncontrollable.   I was there.   

I don't know exactly what happened to Carli.   My greatest fear is that my other homeless, "helpless" dogs did something to her...but I will never know the answer.   What I know, is that I feel like the most inadequate, blood-sucking daughter than anyone could ever have.    

And I am SO fucking sorry, Mama.    I have again caused you heartache.   There is nothing more that I want than to bring you joy, relaxation and happiness.   Epic. Fail.

Forgive me.  Please.   

Just last night...   RIP Carli.