June 18, 2022

A Memorial Day weekend like no other in my adult life….it was spent with self-reflection, a vow to change my ways and battle my difficulties head-on, gathering the mental and emotional tools to deal with them. Aerial yoga, a lot of running, water, vegan meals and meeting with some profound people who had stories far more hard to overcome than mine. It was eye opening, life-changing and as universal energy works…things started manifesting.

One of those things, on Monday the 30th was a random YouTube sighting of Coldplay on their tour. I knew they were coming to DC in the summer, but I had shelved that dream with COVID and shot requirements that we were not getting. But on this bright, shiny, healthy Monday morning…those requirements were no longer and low-and-behold, Coldplay was coming to FedEx Arena on June 1st. In two freaking days. Laura and I have always wanted to see them together - one text and she was in. I bought tickets for the 2 of us and the girls…there is something so magnificent about sharing music with your children. Especially when it is so deep, meaningful and inspiring on a soul-touching level.

It took us 4 hours to get into the concert from Leesburg. Traffic was off the rails. The girls albeit going mad with playing and wrestling in the back seat, were amazing sitting in the car for 4 hours with no dinner, running only on concert-going-excitement. We didn’t have any cocktails. It was a dry night which turned out to be a beyond-words natural high, something so stratospheric it is hard to relay the feeling.

It started with the pledge to the environment, the planetary commitment and the causes that Coldplay supports. Already we were in deep emotionally. Then the intro starts…the lights are glowing….things are happening…Higher Power unfolds and the LED wristbands illuminate. It was one of those holy-shit moments. Some 70K people all lit up in sync, with music that really does hit a higher power. It only got better from there, mixing between the new album, Music of the Spheres and throwing in the older Coldplay classics. Fireworks were laid out in the sky like DaVinci had painted them there. Lasers beamed across the crowd in perfect lines and angles. I danced and sung and waved my hands in the air with the little ladies beside me on every cellular (and beyond) level. I want to say it was magical, but magic alludes to not-real….this seemed magical, but was very real. If you can see and understand that elevated plane of existence in your mind, we were in it.

Each old song immediately brought back a clear memory….smiles, excitement or tears. I had, in the past, watched the video of Fix You live in Brazil, probably two dozen times. It was electric even through the screen. I dreamed of being there. I never imagined I would get to experience that same moment. And, I believe it was even more profound. Our wristbands started to glow blue and yellow, the colors of the Ukrainian flag. And Chris Martin and his almighty self, started to sing…. “when you try your best, but you don’t succeed”… Of course that song lays heavy on my heart with a vivid image of sitting in my car in Mom & Dad’s driveway in Midlothian when I realized the trouble Marc was in. That snapshot came, tears fell and then it floated away and suddenly I was in a global-level, universal swarm. A swarm of energy and emotion and feeling that belted Fix You, every single person in that massive stadium having some memory that it sparked…wow. Just. Wow.

I wish I could go through every song and every feeling and every little thing, but that would make this a bit longer than I even want to re-read. So. A Sky Full of Stars. It started to play. They stopped. Mr. Martin (yes, he’s God-like), stopped everyone and asked for no-devices, 3 and a half minutes of pure connection. In. The. Moment. Holy shit, the energy changed. It was even more palatable. Everyone was there. Present. Connected. Not behind a screen, sending a message or posting something online. It was living massive proof of how much devices and the like have take us away from being real. That warm air, soft breeze and the synapses between each person’s energy, made our sweat electrified, the tiny hairs vibrate on our skin and our souls erupt with sparks of deep feeling.

It was one of the best nights of my life. It was not a concert, it was a movement. A spiritual awakening. A universal power magnetized into FedEx arena and delivered to each person there with hands in the air to absorb it.

It was a night with my daughters that I know, none of us will ever forget. On so many levels. What a gift.

We Are All Aliens Somewhere…

So Bituyful,

Me

Post Script: One more thing. At a moment when Chris Martin asked us to all put our hands in the air and send out good thoughts into the universe. The energy-air traffic out of that stadium was almost visible. It certainly was palatable. I sent energy for something good to happen to Mom, amongst other things. She called me that Friday in tears, saying she didn’t know how this happened, nothing like this had ever happened before. The maintenance man at her place had found an electric wheelchair and had it in her room for her as a surprise.

It.
Works.

October 5, 2021

I just wrote two long paragraphs about my evening and morning. And deleted it. Re-reading, I realized how empty it is, one to-do after another, all accomplished in the most epic super-human fashion.

Great, right?

…where is the magic, the music, the moments, the dance? Where am I?

Today after my head imploded into a migraine, decided to take the afternoon off.

Went for a long walk with Channing planning to write some profound meaningful (at least to me) something…started listening to Matthew McConaughey’s audible book “Greenlights”….which may have killed my juju….he is an incredible writer/story teller….

Been here an hour, wrote a giant checked off to-do list, deleted it and here I am. Fail.

Going to shovel shit, that I am good at. …and keep listening to Greenlights.

January 3, 2020

A Mama’s Dreams & Fears

Days can be long, the years go so damn fast...

Tiny hands and blinking eyes, the purest form of a human,

Life begins, the crazy world starts, how to keep them genuine.

My job is to help them fly, fly with the most beautiful wings,

Be true kind souls, with tools to fight life’s things.

To know wrong from right, and to only fight fair,

Embrace the challenges and breathe the wild air.

To seek their adventure and find their own place,

But to do it with respect, honesty and grace.

To build them and shape them to all they can be,

But not solely from the eyes through which I see.

To understand and develop their own unique way,

But keep them grounded, real, absorbing each day.

To give them imagination and the hopes of big dreams,

Yet they do that for me, they’re the wind beneath my wings.

As I try to manage and suppress my own adult fight,

Try to show them the way to see colors and light.

I want to dance and sing and rejoice in the sun,

But often wanting to scream, to cry...and to run.

The dichotomy of navigating this life is cruel,

When you want to be calm, carefree, act a fool.

I am scared for my ladies and what they will be,

What also is frightening, who looks out for me?

They are my world and I am grateful to the bone,

But one day they will move on and I will be alone.

Chaos is calming.

Silence is deafening.

Did I make them better? Did I ever do right?

Not sure I’ll ever know...but I tried with all my might.

-Me

September 25, 2019

Ah, Senna.

A lot of changes…moving back to VA….…new school….Mama gone at work all the time….no friends…missing our old world….braces….a broken elbow….needing glasses….

Feeling the weight of the world on her shoulders, as I’m sure she thinks the strain I am going through is her fault. I know I have shouted ‘you wanted to be here’, when I fell apart in a regrettable moment of Mom-failing.

Coming home from Cirque on Saturday I had the windows down, music blasting, dancing like an idiot…..Mila bouncing around to the beat, laughing and singing…Sen quietly laughing at me, yet composed…heavy…. I had not realized how little she had been smiling lately, until we got to the driveway. In the side view mirror I look at her holding a sweater out the window as it flew in the air…the sun and wind hitting her beautiful smiling face… I cracked inside. I hadn’t seen that girl in too long.

Fix You. (and me too)

September 20, 2019

Dear Sir,

Thank you. Riddled with anxiety, trying to get to the Office...mind racing with irritation of this lifestyle I do not want....I fly to feed the horses before work and pass you on a morning run....

A genuine smile and you kindly wave....

Your Office left you with no legs...full prosthetic limbs and there you are running down the country road waving and smiling at me. I did not deserve that...Thank You. My perspective has shifted.

Run.

Here’s to you,
-Me

September 11, 2019

As the 18 year anniversary of 9.11 is today, social media proves to have some positive value. With all kinds of people remembering that moment…like it was yesterday. I don’t think anyone will ever forget.

Listening to the voicemails of loved ones saying goodbye from a doomed airplane made me think of who I would call, who I would want to tell I loved them. The girls, that’s without a question. Mom. Marc. Some dear friends, or ‘sisters’ came to mind. As I often loathe having moved to Virginia, the gift that it has brought is time with those priceless people. Celebrating Laura’s birthday with her for the first time in years…the girls getting to see “Lollie” often…. Aunt Manda, James and Sydney coming to visit for Labor Day weekend - (11pm on Friday I ask her to come and they arrive the next morning)…we spend 2 unplanned days with no drama, lots of laughs and the exact same Mama-ways…

I am so grateful to be close to my ‘family’ again. For the girls to have their ‘cousins’ nearby. For me to have a friend to hug.

Love.

June 2, 2019

It has been awhile (a year in fact) since I have updated things here…honestly, I think it is because I haven’t had to cling to good moments, there have been so many and at the same time I’ve been in a fog and worn so thin that slowing for a moment to type, seems like a chore. The dichotomy. With the past few months of work tapering off, life being slightly more simple and my focus being heavily on the girls, moments have been invaluable. Although I still feel like the worthless mother who has failed them economically and I still make countless mistakes, I realize this time of being present, being harder on them with rules and expectations and us being a True Team has made for an incredible connection and two little girls that are now even more beautiful on the inside.

I have to go back and write down a few moments that are coming to mind as I type this, but for now, I feel like the best way to describe our world is an endless dance. And I am so grateful to be Dancing With My Daughters.

I love you x Pi.

Team.

Three separate moments...grouped into one simple example of the law of attraction....

June 27, 2018

This moment goes back a couple weeks, as it occurred on our girls’ weekend trip to Gaitlinburg...a fun filled weekend with my 3 dear & closet friends - Jen, Manda & Laura. (6.14.18)

As we are enjoying our trip getting ready to head out on the class 4 rapids...laughing at the quite comical guide telling jokes on our ride to the head of the river.  As we start to get close, I notice the semi-colon tattoo on her forearm...I know what this represents and I told her I liked it with a warm smile.

For that instant, there was a connection between us and a kind of hug from a distance to someone I didn’t know and would never see again.  A feeling of, “I understand, you aren’t alone, I’m here....”

Whether she herself had thought about ending her life, had gone through a real hard time or if she knew someone who had...it meant enough for her to put that reminder of strength on her arm.  To remind her, or me or someone else to keep writing.

I believe in the energy of the universe and helping each other....basic science & humanity.  I thought maybe one day, one person will see my tattoo and it will help them. And I am damn sure I need a reminder to keep writing my story...

So today, I got the semi-colon tattoo on my wrist.  For Me, For Marc and For Anyone that needs it.

“A semi-colon is what a writer uses to continue writing the sentence. The writer is you. The sentence is your life.”

#projectsemicolon
 

June 27, 2018

In Arm-Pittsburgh for work, overall negative attitude about the job, the travel and the area...for good reason, but that’s not an excuse to be negative.   Nothing is, really...

I wait at the airport for my ride...hop in the car and Sean has an energy about him that made a shift in my view and I wanted to talk...  In. The. Morning.   (anyone that knows me, knows that's almost never)

We start with a joke about the weather and the misery of Pittsburgh, we talk about Chattanooga ... he is witty, smart and has a calmness that is pretty electric.  Sean tells me he wanted to be a poet...he drives for Uber so he has time to write poetry (although he only writes for him)....he has lived in Italy for 8 years, went to college in Bologna, Italy to be a poet.  He’s fluent in Italian and I am fascinated with the emotionally driven dream-chaser, as I can largely relate.

He tells me of his love for Philadelphia and his mutual no-love for our current location.  I ask why he’s here...his mother is ill and he takes care of her.  I comment on his kindness.  What he said next was what really made me think.  His mother gave him up when he was 4... She took him and his 3 siblings to the fire station and left them.  Walked away.  

This man understandably 'should' hate his mother.  Every 'reason' to be a mess of a person as a result of growing up in different foster homes separated from his siblings and family.  Every 'excuse' hold a grudge and a chip on his shoulder that the world could see.  Every 'right' to be angry and spiteful at how he was done wrong.            Or did he?  He had none of this, and it spoke volumes...

He forgave.  He persevered.  He shelved the past and lived in the now.  He chose to view what he had, not what he didn't have.   He didn't see the cards he was dealt as a justification for anything.  He was the proof that with the right perspective, you can overcome.   Not just survive, but truly be O.K.

Not knowing where he was headed next but knowing it was going to be at the end of this year (he gave his Mom 4 years..:)).  He was inspiring.  As we kept talking and laughing, I found myself smiling and appreciative of the conversation (I even asked him to take the long way)....but more than how I felt at that moment, it was the life lesson he exemplified.  In Real-Life, not some over-shared quote on Instagram.

As we talked of his poetry, I told him that I loved to write about moments....he asked for this site, he's one of the few people I've told...he laughed at the naming correlation to an old Gene Hackman movie.... I walked into work with a grateful grin.

So, Sean...if you are reading this....

Thank.  You.  

June 28, 2018

The 3rd moment and then I’ll tie them together...

The next day a different Uber driver is taking me back to the hotel.  He’s an older gentleman, he’s got a very basic car, a basic look and anything but a basic view.

Again, as usual, I find the conversation starter to be my comical miserable view of the Pittsburgh weather. He agrees.  Again, I ask why he’s here....His kids & grandkids...

He tells me he drives Uber because why not, he has nothing else to do in the morning since he plays tennis in the afternoon 5 days a week.  It also allows him to travel in the summer...

Turns out this anything-but-average-grandfather speaks 4 languages, lived in Paris for 2 years, Italy for 2 years, goes to China for a couple months to see a woman he met, took care of his 2 children alone for 8 years (when his wife just left)....and the dynamics go on...

He tells me there’s only 1 life, make the most adventures you can out of it....

We talk about me, my situation, my circus, my monkeys, my squirrels at a rave....he sends me off with a joke that I should stay in Pittsburg....lightheartedly but seriously left me with 2 more of his thoughts...I better really appreciate the guy (Pat) that is signing up for my carnival and start simplifying (financially) now.

It isn't coincidence that the takeaway from these 3 strangers are probably the 3 things I need to find the power and ability to embrace and execute on...  Quantum physics, not accidental run-ins....

Write. Forgive. Adventure. Simplify. Forgive. Be Grateful.

April 22, 2018

As the EDM scene has evolved, to me, it has developed into more connectable and meaningful music.   Incredible mixes of beats and the rhythm that inevitably make you smile and dance.   A gift of a beautiful energy that I haven't found elsewhere and with the deep and relatable lyrics, that often parlays into making moments that last.   

I constantly search new songs, watch videos and learn about the music and it was not until Friday, that I realized how connected I am.   A DJ is an artist that gives people (they don't know and never will) a positive feeling, a good energy, a bond and even a memorable moment.   How thankful are we.    It isn't a 'good song'...it is the chills, the tears, the smiles, the hugs and everything in between.   The list of moments that I have ingrained from music Avicii produced is long...it is safe to say my E=MC² playlist has more of his songs than any other.   

It is hard to believe you can be hurt by the passing of someone you never knew and never would, but I can honestly say my heart hurts and tears keep showing up at random moments.    This incredible person that gave so much to so many is gone....and perhaps our present is what cost him his life.    A legend.   

Some moments.... 

A few years ago, getting a pedicure with Senna in Gainesville....she said "Mom search 'Wake Me Up', it's a great video"...we drew the symbol on our arms and I felt so close to my daughter and my heart melting with what she could see and feel.   I proceeded to watch it time and time again feeling exactly like the girl in the video.   

I remember making the video for Dad's memorial and wanting to put 'The Nights' in it....I remember smiling and being happy as I listened to the song in that sad time.   

I remember driving with the girls to Montessori and three of us singing 'Without  You'....screaming and smiling and Senna pointing out a bad word...and I didn't care - it was worth it. 

I remember sitting on the porch in FL watching  the video of 'Levels' with the girls and laughing together.   Pretty sure we watched it half a dozen times.

I remember cleaning stalls in the barn, alone and lonely, belting 'Trouble' and 'Broken Arrows' with tears in my eyes and the sun shining through the barn windows. 

The list goes on.   The music Avicii made gave me so many vivid emotional memories.   But I often can't remember a conversation with someone.    

Connect.

RIP Avicii.   Thank you.

November 24, 2017

Cape Hatteras...a week with family and friends on the island we spent many summer weeks on....reflecting about Dad and his famous inventions....his green jeep loaded with bizarre contraptions....Frank & Fran's, the fisherman's friends and inevitably getting trucks stuck on the beach....    

Jenn, Manda &  Laura all made a lot of effort to come for a short time....the best friends and good people.   While they were there, we had a beautiful toast to Dad and threw an appropriate wine glass of ashes over the deck...the week was low-key and perfect.   Smiles and laughs and almost forgotten beautiful moments were abundant.   

Thanksgiving with Jeff and Christine was wonderful, they did a lot to make it special and a fun evening....Jeff is a beautiful soul that is close to mine, a holiday together meant a lot in a time when family is dispersed or gone...    Marc being there to spend time with the girls was deeply special to them...and him, I think.     

Friday afternoon we drove to The Point....with a bottle of wine uncorked, we back the trucks up to the end of the beach.....the sun setting in an unrepeatable way....the wind blowing and the tides shuffling the waters in every direction....a moment with people who Dad meant the most to...    Senna buried special shells and spelled Gamps in the sand as her scarf blew in the wind, a heart of gold and an old soul....   Mila ran, arms wide open with the pink glow of the darkening sky behind her....a free spirit with a beautiful energy that radiates....    Mom sat close with Jeff as she read a few perfect words about Dad...and we toasted an amazing man.   A warm hug from Pat as Marc ran down the shoreline spreading ashes into the endless water to travel the world from his favorite place on Earth...

Freedom.

November 12, 2017

Three weeks of chaos on top of an already anxiety loaded base-level of life right now....work trips, horse shows, Mom's debilitating surgery, financial hell and all as we are heading up to a week in Hatteras to spread Dad's ashes at The Point.  Running full tilt, slipping on thin ice, emotional gauges redlining and desperately hanging by a thread are all phrases that seem to fit well.  I live distracted and clawing for moments of calm and focused times with my precious children.    

Last week the horses are at the Georgia Horse Park,  I again have to sell something.  Sad and scared but  I get a last minute idea for an Air BnB in Conyers to make an outing of it...  Mom in her amazing, humbling and epic fashion (with some physical help) manages to come to the show with Mila.  

Senna went for a fun weekend trip with Sterling to Florida, so I was on a mission to be present with my youngest daughter.  It is not natural anymore...but this weekend it was..I rarely looked at my phone, I kept my head in the mom-game and it was easy....I didn't have to try, it is where I was and the only place I wanted to be.  One on one time with my hilarious, badass, thoughtful, sweet, snuggly, brown-eyed baby girl.  And it was beautiful.   So fucking beautiful.

Two times stood out in my head and my heart....   

Saturday morning Mila and I went to get everyone coffee at a quaint, non-profit, good-energy local coffee shop and spent time sitting.  Laughing...playing...being.   Holding warm hands walking in the cold air as we left...on that sidewalk, the mess of life became very clear.   As lonely as I have been, I had everything I needed.   

Saturday evening we bounced in the car singing "Boom" (Tiesto) with Mila screaming "louder!", we watched the Grand Prix and "cantered" around the horse show together, we went to sushi and made up hand games at the table.  At what should have been bed time, we ran across the street and rented ice skates - for an hour she and I skated together, playing in the lights and the music, singing and smiling.... 

I saw so much more of Mila when I kept my eyes, ears, heart and soul only with her.  Could not be more proud of who she is...her energy radiates and the little bohemian beauty with "tiny bears", funny comments, super manners and a can-do attitude is someone to learn from.   I know I just did.  

Be.

November 9, 2017

Happy Birthday, Dad. 

Alarm sings "Sun is Shining" at 5:30am...the girls and I get ourselves out the door and to the bus...  I get home to work and pack, then leave Mom stuck at my house until Audrey can help her in the afternoon...  I jump in the car and buzz down to Conyers to show Zeggita...with and an ache in my gut about life's current challenges and guilt of everyone's efforts to support me, I truck on.   I get there and the rain has left all the horses scratched. 

Cold, damp...alone...I hop on Z to flat her in the covered ring...she was incredible.   We played, we worked, we danced, we high-fived and we smiled for a long time in that ring on that grey day and with each passing minute she made light shine.   That mare is an equine reflection of my every thought, feeling and move at any time...  Looking at the crack in the clouds, I clearly think "I know it's your birthday Dad, but I could use some pennies today"....  

The dogs (Blanquita, Layla & Angi) and I get to our quaint, old, somewhat creepy rental house and tip toe around the place turning on the heat and warming our world.   I pour the dog food and there on the counter is a lone penny.  A happiness ran through every inch of me with a giant smile.  "Thank you, Dad."  Standing in my room looking out the window...there on the floor is another lone penny.  Such a beautiful day when you see what is real.

Dad started leaving me pennies May 5th, 2017, when he left us...I know it is him, just have to see the signs...

See.

October 28, 2017

Been a long run of difficult times, negative energy and a beautiful but horrible lost feeling...change is terrifying, incredible, scary, amazing, sad, exciting and everything in between.   One side-effect of my life restart is the horse world as I knew it is now gone.  Day after day I gallop Pierre & Zeggita up the hills in Chatsworth dreaming of showing again and how to get there.  Not that every minute with a horse isn't precious, but it has been lonely and relatively goal-less with no training and no competing.   Until a couple weeks ago...

Today, walking through Tryon in the buzz of the show world, both horses doing amazing in their own right and I have a smile that runs deep...  I ride Zeggita down the lane with "Another Life" playing in my ears...the weather is perfect....my princess is my partner and I love my horses to the core...they are living proof of realizing dreams and what exactly that means to 'someone like me'.  Tears fill my eyes with a full heart, yet the same tears fall with a smart mind...knowing this show was a gift, this week is a gift - a moment to be where I feel like I fit...a few days of emotions and smiles that I forgot existed...a snapshot of what I want...a reminder of how much one can love...I've got that picture framed.  

Sometimes it is hard to put in writing when feelings are beyond words...so I'll stop trying and simply remember that image of life where words are not enough.   And that is where I want to be.

No words.

May, 2017 

DAD.

July 8, 2016

Laying in bed with the girls as the sun is rising in the window…playing some music and doing our morning snuggles and giggles…fresh cut field behind the house….blue sky and an orange glow of the rising sun mixed within the shadows of the trees….thousands of white birds drape the back field….we run outside in our pajamas to go see the birdies…fresh breath of morning air…little sun kissed girls run barefoot across the yard…look to the fields beside the house and see Pierre in one and Zeggita in the other…as the dogs trot up beside me and we all watch the flock of birds move in a wave across the field, a moment of awe at the beauty and the reality of the dream we created….a time when the blood, sweat and tears were paid off in spades…a pause of real thanks….  

  Feel.

January 13, 2016

Never have had the means to own a high quality horse…that would never have been in the cards for me...

I was wrong.  A little a little chestnut mare made dreams come true overnight...

Good times...Winter in Florida with Senna and I riding together,  Swan Lake with a glass of wine for a bareback sunset ride, sailing over 1.40m course to a blue ribbon... 

I vividly remember trotting out of the ring that sunny 1.40m afternoon, kissing her neck with eyes full of tears...my dream was to jump the low amateurs, and we just won the highs.  

A month later she was no longer mine.  

She made another dream come true.  The debt was gone and we bought a farm.

The bank account full and the heart empty...ache, resentment, anger, sadness, defeat...3 years they coursed through my veins often enough to never let me forget any detail...and I think she felt the same...

I promised her she would always be with me and I had lied.  One unforgettable day a word was kept and a gift was given, she was to be mine again.  A gesture that I am eternally grateful for and one that I still cannot believe.   I never thought she would be with me again.  I had not lied.   Another dream came true.

As we cantered around the field today, I reflected on all of the emotions this little mare has created in me and all she has given me...in riding, in life and in love.   I look out my office window with my girl in the field; my heart swells in a way that many can never understand.

How can you repay that...?

Dream.

January 13, 2016

Woke up with it grey and cold outside...a reflection of the inside...hot coffee and a warm breakfast with my babies...Zeggita waits patiently to go out for our gallop...double up the jackets, turn the music on, we head off...every minute I inhale deeper bringing the fresh air in...time for a run...full speed freedom with 'Embrace' ringing in my ears...I give up control but we are together...warm tears rolling down my cold face and a smile that runs deep...  

Breathe.

January 11, 2016

Crisp cold clear morning with ice blue sky and bright sun...warm hat and a wool scarf...cantering through the back farm...Zeggita, my elegantly controlled explosion with a smile on her that only I can see....headphones playing 'Clarity' and Ava trotting beside me with her long strided bouncy happy-go-lucky GSD trot...the moment when nothing in the world matters.

A bit later in the morning...Armin Van Buuren blazing in my ears...trotting on Zegg around the back field with my unconditionally loving dogs....a panther with her tail on fire...absolute reckless abandon...to the ring to do some fancy foot work..now Yellow Claw is pumping...bass drops to the hoof beats...  

Just. Dance.